Funny Farm Escapee Remains Holed Up in Compound, Standoff Drags Into Sixth Day

Waring, TX - (AP) A funny farm escapee remained holed up in a fortified compound as of press time late Tuesday while federal investigators formulate a plan to end the week-long standoff. According to government officials, the escapee is a free-range spanish goat who has been incarcerated at The Funny Farm since late June. After disappearing last Thursday through a hole in the perimeter fence, the goat retreated into a junkyard across the street at the residence of M.E. "The South Side Slayer" Montgomerey who had an encounter with law enforcement officers last spring when he allegedly murdered a chicken belonging to the now defunct Chicken Co-op.

According to ATF agent John Tucker, the goat retreated to the junkyard because of its proximity to The Funny Farm and it was there that she was cornered by federal agents.

"It appears at this point that the fugitive has barricaded herself in [Mr. Montgomerey's] back yard because it was simply the nearest place to go. We do not believe at this point that the goat has any affiliation with Mr. Montgomerey," Tucker said.

Other sources, speaking in anonymity, said that the goat had been witnessed visiting with Mr. Montgomerey in recent weeks.

Efforts to apprehend the goat have all failed mainly due to what officials believe to be an elaborate tunnel system which the goat has constructed over the past week.

"It's kind of rough out there," Tucker said at a press conference late Tuesday afternoon. "One second that goat is under a school bus and the next thing you know she's on top of an '89 Buick Le Sabre. Luckily, we have noted some patterns in her movements--mostly that she seems to have a crush on a '52 Chevy pickup near the northwest quadrant of the compound."

While agents monitor the goats movement from a operations center nearby, officers at the compound are keeping a close eye on the goats movements. The latest efforts of law enforcement officers to compel the goat to surrender include tear gas and music blaring into the compound.

"The music doesn't seem to affect her at all," Tucker said. "I'm not even sure that she knows what music is."

The Funny Farm CEO Winston Hall released a statement Thursday morning condemning the actions of the escapee.

"The Funny Farm has a staunch, unblemished record of cooperation with the local community as well as officials on the highest government level. The actions of Willamina the goat bring shame and utter humiliation to our organization and we bear full responsibilty for her actions. These events will most certainly prompt a review of our Perimeter Fence Terms and Conditions" Hall said.

Speaking from The Rose Garden, President Bush emphasized the importance of ending the standoff peacefully but reiterated his strong stance on the overall issue.

"We seek to find a peaceful solution to [the problem]. We understand from some reports that there might be little baby goats inside and our first concern is their safety. But make no mistake, we will make no distinction between goats and the neighbors that harbor them. This goat will remember this week as the week her reckoning began."

President Bush's tough talk was mirrored on Capitol Hill where lawmakers scurried to create legislation that would help alleviate the potential for similar standoffs.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) spoke at a Washington luncheon on Monday. "It's obvious the evil-doer in this standoff is not the goat. It's President Bush."

For now, agents are communicating with the goat through telephone communications into the compound. Although, admittedly, the talks have not gone far because the goat uses "mostly bleats and baaaaas" to state her demands.

"We are through playing games with this goat," Tucker said as he loosened his tie. "She is making us all look like fools the way we run around chasing after her. We look like complete idiots. And besides its really hot."

That's the story of my life...