A Field Guide to Surviving an Economic Crisis
Shreveport, La - Many of you are wondering what, if anything, you can do to weather the current economic crisis. The answer is simple: we as a country should practice sound economic principles. Not to digress but, if you are a principal at a school, you should also practice extremely sound principal principles as well. If you happen to teach English and you are a principal, it’s essential that you practice principal principles with your principle participles. The good news however, is that knowing principal participles is not as important.
But I digress. I am not an expert on economic matters, but my dad is, and being a good father he often instilled in me good financial principles. When I was a child, we often played games dealing with money. My favorite financial game my dad and I played was called “Uncle Sam vs. The Taxpayer.” My father would come in my room in the dark of night posing as Uncle Sam. While I slept unaware he would then take my piggy bank and leave, and when I awoke and started crying he would say, “I’m going to come back next year and take even more money.”
Those memories still make me smile.
Now, all these years later, those lessons are coming in quite handy. I was not surprised by the recent $768 ska-jillion economic bailout bill signed into law. After all, like my father taught me, there’s nothing wrong with stealing from the American people, as long as it’s legal.
You might be wondering if any plan of action exists for the average American to deal with the overwhelming crisis and avoid a possible depression. The good news is: not really. However, there are some futile things you can do to help keep our economy afloat.
1. Panic. Nothing is more American than panicking. If you have invested heavily on Wall Street, you will want to immediately sell everything and start screaming. If you have cash, trade it in for gold and then bury said gold five to seven paces from your back stoop. Train your dog to remember where you buried the gold by also burying a bone with the gold. Remember, never trust banks and if a teller ask if you want to make a deposit, laugh sardonically and then walk backward out of the bank.
2. Buy Real Estate. Immediately go buy seven new houses. Use each house as collateral against the next, that way if you cannot make the mortgage payments, your diabolic circle of houses will all foreclose on each other, leaving you completely unharmed.
3. Open a Small Business. Apply to the federal government for a small-business loan. When they ask you what size loan you need, tell them you need $700 billion. (Clarify that $240 million of that is your severance package for when you fire yourself.)
4. Call your Congressman. Then hang up the phone as soon as he answers.
5. Invest. Now is the perfect time to invest. Mainly in things like plane tickets and undisclosed foreign properties.
6. Buy a brand new car. Go out and buy the biggest car you can find and make
sure it gets really bad gas mileage. Most importantly, make sure you car payment is more than your rent. Then, when the economy gets worse, scratch your head trying to figure out why it is you can’t pay all your bills. Then blame someone else for all your problems.
As you can see, it’s easy for the average American to help prevent a financial crisis. Remember, the Chinese word for “crisis” is made up of two characters. One means “disaster.” The other means “caused by decades of unchecked American greed and corruption.”
With any luck, the bailout package will help stabilize our economy and begin the slow tedious process of getting our country back on track to the point where the average American can once again go completely boinkers with their credit and not feel guilty about it. In the meantime, continue to walk backward out of banks.
That's the story of my life...
But I digress. I am not an expert on economic matters, but my dad is, and being a good father he often instilled in me good financial principles. When I was a child, we often played games dealing with money. My favorite financial game my dad and I played was called “Uncle Sam vs. The Taxpayer.” My father would come in my room in the dark of night posing as Uncle Sam. While I slept unaware he would then take my piggy bank and leave, and when I awoke and started crying he would say, “I’m going to come back next year and take even more money.”
Those memories still make me smile.
Now, all these years later, those lessons are coming in quite handy. I was not surprised by the recent $768 ska-jillion economic bailout bill signed into law. After all, like my father taught me, there’s nothing wrong with stealing from the American people, as long as it’s legal.
You might be wondering if any plan of action exists for the average American to deal with the overwhelming crisis and avoid a possible depression. The good news is: not really. However, there are some futile things you can do to help keep our economy afloat.
1. Panic. Nothing is more American than panicking. If you have invested heavily on Wall Street, you will want to immediately sell everything and start screaming. If you have cash, trade it in for gold and then bury said gold five to seven paces from your back stoop. Train your dog to remember where you buried the gold by also burying a bone with the gold. Remember, never trust banks and if a teller ask if you want to make a deposit, laugh sardonically and then walk backward out of the bank.
2. Buy Real Estate. Immediately go buy seven new houses. Use each house as collateral against the next, that way if you cannot make the mortgage payments, your diabolic circle of houses will all foreclose on each other, leaving you completely unharmed.
3. Open a Small Business. Apply to the federal government for a small-business loan. When they ask you what size loan you need, tell them you need $700 billion. (Clarify that $240 million of that is your severance package for when you fire yourself.)
4. Call your Congressman. Then hang up the phone as soon as he answers.
5. Invest. Now is the perfect time to invest. Mainly in things like plane tickets and undisclosed foreign properties.
6. Buy a brand new car. Go out and buy the biggest car you can find and make
sure it gets really bad gas mileage. Most importantly, make sure you car payment is more than your rent. Then, when the economy gets worse, scratch your head trying to figure out why it is you can’t pay all your bills. Then blame someone else for all your problems.
As you can see, it’s easy for the average American to help prevent a financial crisis. Remember, the Chinese word for “crisis” is made up of two characters. One means “disaster.” The other means “caused by decades of unchecked American greed and corruption.”
With any luck, the bailout package will help stabilize our economy and begin the slow tedious process of getting our country back on track to the point where the average American can once again go completely boinkers with their credit and not feel guilty about it. In the meantime, continue to walk backward out of banks.
That's the story of my life...
posted by Winston A. Hall at 11:59 AM
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