Waring Standoff Ends Unexpectedly, Casualties Minimal
Waring, TX - (AP) The week long Waring standoff which captured the attention of the world the past seven days ended abruptly in a post-dawn raid Wednesday evening which claimed the life of three special forces agents. According to law enforcement officials on the scene at M.E. Montgomerey's junkyard, agents swept in in a rehearsed swat maneuver and apprehended the fugitive goat who managed to kill three Navy S.E.A.L.S before being apprehended by authorities.
ATF agent John Tucker coordinated the raid from the standoff headquarters located near the scene.
"Well, originally we were going to move in in a formation systematically eliminating escape routes of the goat before descending on the goat's suspected location and ending this standoff," he said. "What ended up happening is that we just chased the goat around and around for what felt like frickin' forever and then the goat was pretty much winded so M.E. 'The South Side Slayer' Montgomery just grabbed his back leg at which point [the goat] was returned to a secure facility at The Funny Farm. We never actually thought she could kill someone, much less someone as highly trained as those Navy S.E.A.L.S. were."
High-level government officials who spoke in anonymity suspected that M.E. "The South Side Slayer" Montgomerey cooperated with officials to apprehend the goat because of "prior dealings" with law enforcement personnel and that Mr. Montgomerey "had good motive to do so."
In an unprecedented move by the ATF, The Funny Farm CEO Winston A. Hall participated in the post-dawn raid.
"We just felt like if Willamina [the goat] saw I was trying to assist, it would bring an heir of normalcy to her and that maybe she would just surrender peacefully," Hall said.
Nearby neighbors who witnessed the raid were surprised by its seeming unorganization. Vera Thompson, 83, who lives three doors down witnessed the entire siege from near her mailbox.
"I'm not sure what was going on," she said. "I just saw these guys running around like idiots and one of 'em had a rope or something. And one guy had a fishing net on a rod and I just thought that was ridiculous. There was lots of yelling and pointing and screaming. Next thing you know there's ambulances and helicopters and armed assault vehicles. It all happened so fast. And then the goat kind of stopped because she was tired and the tall, goofy guy grabbed her. That's about it."
Acoording to official reports, the goat killed the three men near a hollowed-out school bus. According to eyewitnesses, the goat attacked the Navy S.E.A.L.S. "as if it were something she had done a thousand times."
Another eyewitness also spoke of the tragic incident:
"This is not your normal goat. She outsmarted us for a time, took three of our own, and then made us the laughing stock of the world. And plus its really hot out here."
When asked about his participation in the raid, Montgomery did not mince words.
"This raid was a debacle from start to finish. But , honestly, I don't know what the feds were thinking. That goat definitely had the tactical advantage from the get-go. I don't see how they ever expected it to go smoothly," he said. "I'm just glad this is over."
President Bush gave no comment on the raid but did order an investigation into the ATF's procedure in apprehending the goat.
"Ironically, someone's head is gonna roll over this catastrophe," Tucker said, "but it probably won't be the goats."
ATF agent John Tucker coordinated the raid from the standoff headquarters located near the scene.
"Well, originally we were going to move in in a formation systematically eliminating escape routes of the goat before descending on the goat's suspected location and ending this standoff," he said. "What ended up happening is that we just chased the goat around and around for what felt like frickin' forever and then the goat was pretty much winded so M.E. 'The South Side Slayer' Montgomery just grabbed his back leg at which point [the goat] was returned to a secure facility at The Funny Farm. We never actually thought she could kill someone, much less someone as highly trained as those Navy S.E.A.L.S. were."
High-level government officials who spoke in anonymity suspected that M.E. "The South Side Slayer" Montgomerey cooperated with officials to apprehend the goat because of "prior dealings" with law enforcement personnel and that Mr. Montgomerey "had good motive to do so."
In an unprecedented move by the ATF, The Funny Farm CEO Winston A. Hall participated in the post-dawn raid.
"We just felt like if Willamina [the goat] saw I was trying to assist, it would bring an heir of normalcy to her and that maybe she would just surrender peacefully," Hall said.
Nearby neighbors who witnessed the raid were surprised by its seeming unorganization. Vera Thompson, 83, who lives three doors down witnessed the entire siege from near her mailbox.
"I'm not sure what was going on," she said. "I just saw these guys running around like idiots and one of 'em had a rope or something. And one guy had a fishing net on a rod and I just thought that was ridiculous. There was lots of yelling and pointing and screaming. Next thing you know there's ambulances and helicopters and armed assault vehicles. It all happened so fast. And then the goat kind of stopped because she was tired and the tall, goofy guy grabbed her. That's about it."
Acoording to official reports, the goat killed the three men near a hollowed-out school bus. According to eyewitnesses, the goat attacked the Navy S.E.A.L.S. "as if it were something she had done a thousand times."
Another eyewitness also spoke of the tragic incident:
"This is not your normal goat. She outsmarted us for a time, took three of our own, and then made us the laughing stock of the world. And plus its really hot out here."
When asked about his participation in the raid, Montgomery did not mince words.
"This raid was a debacle from start to finish. But , honestly, I don't know what the feds were thinking. That goat definitely had the tactical advantage from the get-go. I don't see how they ever expected it to go smoothly," he said. "I'm just glad this is over."
President Bush gave no comment on the raid but did order an investigation into the ATF's procedure in apprehending the goat.
"Ironically, someone's head is gonna roll over this catastrophe," Tucker said, "but it probably won't be the goats."
posted by Winston A. Hall at 5:42 PM
1 Comments:
You should have called in the Labrador Task Force. Slobber is a powerful sedative.
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