If the World Were a Classic Movie
San Angelo, TX - How lazy am I? I stole this from myself.
April 12, 2004 (taken from the Angelo State Ram Page)
As I write this very moment, the only things I can hear (besides the persistent click-clack of a keyboard) is the soft pitter-patter of rain on the window and the distant, but strangely relaxing, rumble of thunder.Aside from the weather, all these new fangled “conveniences,” like the fluorescent lights, do nothing but give me a headache. But this loathsome weather, in its timelessness and almost surreal state, changes things. It makes me relax and become very laid back. Lightning flashes.
Suddenly…Magically, if only for a moment, the keyboard sounds like a typewriter and my recklessly casual attire transforms into an opulent suit topped by my gray fedora with a press pass shoved carelessly through the hatband. I’m dragging on a stogie like there’s no tomorrow while at the same time, ironically, I’m hashing out tomorrow’s headlines.
Then, the wooden door creaks open and, in the glow of a dull desk lamp, I see red shoes and long, voluptuous legs. And then she walks in (cued perfectly to a thunder clap, of course) adorned in that red satin dress that just screams sin. I greet her and stroll confidently to the phonograph. Calmly, coolly, I place a Glenn Miller record on the machine. As the tinny trumpets and string bass start to…
Stop it. Just snap out of it. You live in 2004, remember? Now save what you’re writing on a disk and then check your e-mail on the Internet before flicking off the fluorescent lights, heading out the door and speeding home in your fuel-injected, air-conditioned vehicle. You don’t live in a classic movie.But I can dream, can’t I? It’s my honest contention that the world would be a much, much better place if we all lived within the framework of a classic film.
Of course, a few guidelines exist that we would have to follow.The first is easy. It would always have to be raining. Some of the greatest classic movie moments happen in the rain.Rick Blaine in the rain on a station platform getting his insides “kicked out,” Audrey Hepburn in the rain with a taxi and a cat with no name and Gene Kelley stomping his feet in puddles, dancing his way through the rain and intoimmortalization on the Silver Screen. So that’s a no-brainer. Bring on the rain, and lots of it.
Number two. We must always dress immaculately, no matter where we go.Like Rick Blaine in “Casablanca,” the men must wear a tuxedo or suit and tie at all times. To accompany the outfit, a hat of choice, cuff links, pipes, you name it. Also, wing-tip shoes are a must. For the women, elegant attire is the name of the game. And hats, big ones, with no apologies for their size or gaudy nature. As far as accessories for the women, we mustn’t forget gloves with every evening gown. Nothing says “elegant” like satin gloves that stretch all the way from a woman’s hand to her bicep (a la Audrey Hepburn).
Thirdly, we must have manners that are unparalleled.Every time a woman enters the room, men must stand and introduce themselves. Placing a title in front of each and every name is also extremely important. Mister, Misses, Mademoiselle and Monsieur, just to name a few. Also, men don’t shake women’s hands in a classic-movie world. They take women’s hands, and then kiss the back of them.
I don’t like number four, but it’s all part of the film-noir genre. To truly live in a classic film, we must smoke, and smoke all of the time. Every time we take a breath without cigarette smoke pouring out of our mouths and noses, we run the risk of unclassic-izing ourselves. Additionally, when a woman places a cigarette to her lips, three lighters must immediately come out of nowhere to “offer her a light.” (Please understand, I am not glamorizing frequent cigarette use. Humphrey Bogart died at the age of 57 after a slow and painful bout with throat cancer— caused by cigarettes, no doubt.)
Lastly, and most importantly, we must always have the perfect line at the perfect time. The following is just a sampling of lines you should imitate in the pursuit of a classic movie lifestyle. Humphrey Bogart: “We’ll always have Paris.” Marlon Brando: “I could have been a contender.” Lauren Bacall: “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Faye Dunaway: “I don’t get tough. My lawyers do.” And another Bogart: “What is it? The stuff that dreams are made of.”Of course, we can each add our own perspective to living life in a classic movie.That’s the beauty of it all.We can emulate our heroes. We can try and be the stuff of legends. We can strive to be as smooth and cool as all those iconic actors and actresses on the big screen. And every so often, in life, when it really counts, we all get a chance to nail our lines.The next time you find yourself in the rain, turn up the collar of your trench coat, pause for just a moment, say your lines and then let the rain drip slowly off the brim of your fedora. That is, if you’re wearing one.
That's the story of my life...
April 12, 2004 (taken from the Angelo State Ram Page)
As I write this very moment, the only things I can hear (besides the persistent click-clack of a keyboard) is the soft pitter-patter of rain on the window and the distant, but strangely relaxing, rumble of thunder.Aside from the weather, all these new fangled “conveniences,” like the fluorescent lights, do nothing but give me a headache. But this loathsome weather, in its timelessness and almost surreal state, changes things. It makes me relax and become very laid back. Lightning flashes.
Suddenly…Magically, if only for a moment, the keyboard sounds like a typewriter and my recklessly casual attire transforms into an opulent suit topped by my gray fedora with a press pass shoved carelessly through the hatband. I’m dragging on a stogie like there’s no tomorrow while at the same time, ironically, I’m hashing out tomorrow’s headlines.
Then, the wooden door creaks open and, in the glow of a dull desk lamp, I see red shoes and long, voluptuous legs. And then she walks in (cued perfectly to a thunder clap, of course) adorned in that red satin dress that just screams sin. I greet her and stroll confidently to the phonograph. Calmly, coolly, I place a Glenn Miller record on the machine. As the tinny trumpets and string bass start to…
Stop it. Just snap out of it. You live in 2004, remember? Now save what you’re writing on a disk and then check your e-mail on the Internet before flicking off the fluorescent lights, heading out the door and speeding home in your fuel-injected, air-conditioned vehicle. You don’t live in a classic movie.But I can dream, can’t I? It’s my honest contention that the world would be a much, much better place if we all lived within the framework of a classic film.
Of course, a few guidelines exist that we would have to follow.The first is easy. It would always have to be raining. Some of the greatest classic movie moments happen in the rain.Rick Blaine in the rain on a station platform getting his insides “kicked out,” Audrey Hepburn in the rain with a taxi and a cat with no name and Gene Kelley stomping his feet in puddles, dancing his way through the rain and intoimmortalization on the Silver Screen. So that’s a no-brainer. Bring on the rain, and lots of it.
Number two. We must always dress immaculately, no matter where we go.Like Rick Blaine in “Casablanca,” the men must wear a tuxedo or suit and tie at all times. To accompany the outfit, a hat of choice, cuff links, pipes, you name it. Also, wing-tip shoes are a must. For the women, elegant attire is the name of the game. And hats, big ones, with no apologies for their size or gaudy nature. As far as accessories for the women, we mustn’t forget gloves with every evening gown. Nothing says “elegant” like satin gloves that stretch all the way from a woman’s hand to her bicep (a la Audrey Hepburn).
Thirdly, we must have manners that are unparalleled.Every time a woman enters the room, men must stand and introduce themselves. Placing a title in front of each and every name is also extremely important. Mister, Misses, Mademoiselle and Monsieur, just to name a few. Also, men don’t shake women’s hands in a classic-movie world. They take women’s hands, and then kiss the back of them.
I don’t like number four, but it’s all part of the film-noir genre. To truly live in a classic film, we must smoke, and smoke all of the time. Every time we take a breath without cigarette smoke pouring out of our mouths and noses, we run the risk of unclassic-izing ourselves. Additionally, when a woman places a cigarette to her lips, three lighters must immediately come out of nowhere to “offer her a light.” (Please understand, I am not glamorizing frequent cigarette use. Humphrey Bogart died at the age of 57 after a slow and painful bout with throat cancer— caused by cigarettes, no doubt.)
Lastly, and most importantly, we must always have the perfect line at the perfect time. The following is just a sampling of lines you should imitate in the pursuit of a classic movie lifestyle. Humphrey Bogart: “We’ll always have Paris.” Marlon Brando: “I could have been a contender.” Lauren Bacall: “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Faye Dunaway: “I don’t get tough. My lawyers do.” And another Bogart: “What is it? The stuff that dreams are made of.”Of course, we can each add our own perspective to living life in a classic movie.That’s the beauty of it all.We can emulate our heroes. We can try and be the stuff of legends. We can strive to be as smooth and cool as all those iconic actors and actresses on the big screen. And every so often, in life, when it really counts, we all get a chance to nail our lines.The next time you find yourself in the rain, turn up the collar of your trench coat, pause for just a moment, say your lines and then let the rain drip slowly off the brim of your fedora. That is, if you’re wearing one.
That's the story of my life...
posted by Winston A. Hall at 10:22 PM
1 Comments:
This is a rather old post, so I don't know whether you'll ever see this comment; but I got your blog from a friend and came to check it out. I'm from a small town (Ballinger) about 35 miles from San Angelo, so I'm enjoying reading your rants on small town life. You are quite the story teller, I must say.
And as a side note, I love this entry. I've often relished the fantasy of living in a classic film with all the seductive Hollywood vixens and suave Hollywood gentlemen. It's nice to meet a kindred spirit.
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