Word of the Day #9

Franklin, Tn- Hello Whimsical World Faithfuls!! Your word of the day for November 29, 2006 is:

Quiche (noun,verb) The pressing of two sets of lips together, as in a romantic nature.

In a sentence: Come over here baby and give me an empassioned quiche.

That's the story of my life...

Ranger Bob One Surpasses Milestone, Does Something Statistically Impossible

San Angelo, Texas - Ranger Bob One is not your ordinary truck. Now, I know on the surface he might appear to be a 1995 red Ford Ranger that looks like every other Ford Ranger, but having experienced Ranger Bob One, I can tell you he is not your ordinary truck. Let me sight three very specific examples.

(The name Ranger Bob One comes from my dad who tells me there was a tv character one upon a time named Ranger Bob. The "One" comes from the fact that my dad also owns a Ford Ranger, which is named Ranger Bob Two.)

Example #1: One year ago I had two flat tires within six minutes of each other. This is something I have documented and mentioned here. What I didn't mention is that this happened less than one half mile from my house. One can argue this was chance, but one could also argue that perhaps Ranger Bob One was aware of the distance...

Is this a ludicrous claim? Can a pile of metal and screws and moving parts actually think?!?! Most of you have seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It is not out of the question.

Example #2: Last year I drove Ranger Bob One from where I am now for Turkey Day (San Angelo) back down to ol' Waring. The distance was approximately 180 miles. Now, I like many other males, talk to the vehicles I drive and encourage them to do well. That night, having left San Angelo around 10:00 p.m. I asked RB1 to get me home safely.

I kid you not, at mile 179 4/5 my clutch went out. I was topping the hill from which I could see my house at the bottom. I simply left RB1 in neutral and coasted into my driveway. I turned off the key and sat their in silence simply befuddled at the fact that this truck decided to break down less than 200 yards from my house. This, no less, after driving 180 miles in the dark of night.

Example #3: This brings us to yesteday. The two previous examples can be dismissed I suppose to chance. But what happened to me yesterday is almost unbelievable. It is the kind of event that takes a vehicle and launches it into the stratosphere of Legend.

I was quite excited because I knew on my way to San Angelo that RB1 was going to top the 200,000 mile mark. This is always exciting and always a big deal. So, when RB1 rolled over between Adamsville and Izoro, Texas, I pulled off to the side of the road, took a few pictures of the odometer for my dad, gave Ranger Bob One a congratulatory pat on the dashboard and continued on.

Here's the crazy part. Fifty miles later, I looked down to see the odometer read 200,023 miles. Huh? I continued to watch and for the next fifty miles that damned odometer didn't budge an inch.

It was broken...

I stared curiously at the truck for a while after I got to San Angleo. Machine? Or maybe, just maybe, this thing has a spirit. I did the math of it. I divided 200,000 by 23 and got 0.01 percent. In other words, the chances that Ranger Bob One's odometer would stop working within 23 miles of 200,000 is almost statistically impossible.

Unless, Ranger Bob One was aware of the milestone he had just crossed, like an old man dying three days after his hundreth birthday.

What can say? I am still perplexed by this one. In the meantime, Ranger Bob One is still rolling, forever 200,023 miles under his belt.

That's the story of my life...

I love Google! That's right. I love a mainframe computer engine thingy that offers no tangible or concrete product.  

The Little Search Engine that Could: A Short Examination of the History of Search Engines

Out of sheer curiosity yesterday I googled myself yet again. My name popped up here and there for several different things, none of which was especially exciting. The most curious discovery is that I share my name with a dormitory at the University of North Carolina. (I discovered this after seeing a search result that said “a beautiful northwest view of Winston Hall.”)

Then with even more cyber recklessness I googled “Google.” (See "Bored Secretary googles Google") I am not kidding when I tell you it instantly gave me 116 million results for “google” in a mind-boggling 0.07 seconds. For reference, that is also the approximate time it takes for Mark Foley to hit on a new congressional page.

After perusing for a time I started pondering the origin of search engines. Before all the information of the infinite universe was available at our very fingertips, where did we go to find all the answers? The historical origin of search engines started with the immergence of homo-erectus man in 1932. Before computers, people relied on their ability to find things through simpler means, mostly by using their eyeballs. Eventually, man developed a written language and ultimately automobile reference manuals. After that, the transition to online searches was very natural.

The main impetus behind the development of online search engines was the phonebook. Most phonebooks are heavy. People have a natural aversion to heavy things. Phonebooks also require the senseless slaughter of trees. Since killing trees is now illegal in most states, putting all that information on the internet made perfect sense. Now, rather than looking for a mechanic in your town, you can even look for a mechanic in…oh…let’s say Suzdal, Russia for example. (His name is Artyom.)

Citing my scientific background (none) I decided to do something quasi-scientific. One of my favorite Far Side cartoons depicts a father challenging his son to answer the following question for the reward of a new bicycle: What is the average annual rainfall of the Amazon Basin?

I put this challenge to Google and within 0.29 seconds Google found 211,000 entries relating to rainfall in the Amazon Basin. (The answer was 80 inches.) Fifty years ago, had you desired to know the Amazon Basin rain totals, it would have required a trip to the encyclopedia or possibly the Amazon basin itself.

Search engines are not all fun and games. As easily as they make access to helpful information easier, they do the same for harmful information. In decades past, terrorists had to go to actual schools in any number of terrorism-sponsoring nations to learn how to make bombs. Now they can do a simple search on the internet and learn from a thirteen-year-old in Detroit. Likewise, pornographic websites have grown in number considerably from a mere 3 in 1993 to 234.5 trillion in 2006.

Traditionalists like me still derive a certain pleasure from the magic of discovery through turned pages. Dust on my fingers, dust in my eyes and deep paper cuts spark a certain nostalgia that search engines simply can’t recreate.

The future of search engines is unsure. I have several pieces of advice for Google’s future, which includes renaming their Spanish text search page El Goog, which is simply “Google” spelled backward. Of course, Google probably has a team of problem solvers who, when they don’t know the answer to something probably google it. (Talk about self-help!)

In the meantime, I will continue to faithfully use Google for all my search needs. To learn more about the history of Google and search engines in general just stop by their headquarters at (hang on a second) 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway Mountain View, CA 94043.

That's the story of my life...

Word of the Day Clarification #1

Franklin, TN- Okeedokee folks. It's time for a clarification of my Word of the Day #8. Some of you have expressed concern over the nature of my previous Word of the Day. I am IN NO WAY endorsing the senseless slaughter of the loveable, and were-it-not-in-water huggable manatee. The joke is supposed to sound like this.

"Manatee bone (Man! A t-bone) steak sounds good right now!

Hope that clears things up and actually makes you laugh instead of revolting in anger and disgust!

That's the story of my life...

Word of the Day #8

Franklin, TN- Hello Whimsical World faithfuls!!

Your word of the day for Saturday, November 18, 2006 is:

1. manatee bone (noun): An exclamatory slang remark often said when one is hungry.

In a sentence: "Manatee bone steak sounds good right now!!"

That's the story of my life...

This is a little photograph I have simply entitled: "Why The Hell Have I Not Moved to France?"

Word of the Day #7

Franklin, TN- Hello Whimsical World Faithfuls!! Your Word of the Day for November 15, 2006 is:

1. Falafel (noun) The opposite of feeling good, as in physical pain or guilt.

In a sentence: I ate uncooked meat for breakfast and now I falafel.

That's the story of my life...

Midget's Friends Short-Sheet Bed, Prank Goes Unnoticed

Franklin, TN - Every now and then here at the Whimiscal World I like to highlight websites that make me chuckle. One I have known about for some time is an absolute classic. The website is called www.despair.com. The company has proclaimed an all out war on the motivational poster industry by publishing a line of demotivational posters called Demotivators. Each poster contains a dramatic photo with a line or two that really pulls the rug out from under you. Here are some examples:

- ACHIEVEMENT (Under a picture of the Great Pyramids of Egypt) "You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor. "

-DARE TO SLACK (Under a picture of birds migrating) "When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness."

-DESPAIR (Under a picture of a sunset) "It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black."

-WINDS OF CHANGE (Under a picture of a tornado) "When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles."

And a classic...

-INDIFFERENCE (Under a picture of a sleeping leopard) "It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face."

The company's trademarked logo is :-( So technically I can never use that symbol again :-( Check out www.despair.com. You can buy calendars and all kinds of cool stuff. I have attached a few below so you get the idea. Their webpage has piles of these, perfect for slacking off at work, ironically.

That's the story of my life...

Man, there's a lot of truth in this statement.  

A very under-the-radar jab at the French! 

I have worked with some organizations very much like this.  

This is a close up shot of a "fipple," our Word of the Day for November 10, 2006. Fipple, fipple, fipple, fipple, fipple.  

Word of the Day #6

Franklin, TN-

Good morning Whimsical World faithfuls!! The Word of the Day for November 10, 2006 is:

(Editor's note: unlike the previous five Words of the Day, this word is an actual word that I am not altering to be funny and mean something else.)

1. fipple (noun)- a wooden plug forming a flue pipe (as the mouthpiece of a recorder).

In a sentence: Wow! Look at that fipple!!

BONUS INFO: Repeating the word "fipple" five times fast at any social function is guaranteed to garner laughter!!

eye reuhnakted thu grate escaype toonite!!

Fraynkleen, Tinuhsee- Hy. Ets mee uhgan, hart. Eye am winstun's puppee. Hee alreddy wint too sleeep sew i am riding this blawg wile he is sleeepeng. so tonite wuz reeley funney becuz lik urlieer tonite winstun and hes rumate jawnathen left fore a long tim an i wuz en the kinnel weith Gurl (shee iz th uther dawg that lives with mee) and gurl reeley haytes beeing en the kinnel and so doo i sew i sed "Gurl, lets eskape owt of heer" and gurl thawt that wuz a gewd ideeuh butt she is olde sew shee mayd mee doo awl the diggeng. and i wuz reeley tyrd and gurl kep yelleng "dig dig!" sew i kep diggeng and diggeng and finully i crawld owt and gurl did two.

theen wee didunt no ware to gew sew wee just ran all over the plaice. afur a wile gurl was tyrd (becuz shee is reeley reeley owld) sew shee wint to sleeep and thn i kep runneng all over the plaice withowt herr.

Aneeway, winstun aynd jawnathen kame hom latur and winstun akted all madd. i dont no y. he neveer tohld mee knot to digg owt frum the kinnel. hee yelld sumtheng abowt an eelektrik fince butt i hav know iddeuh wut that es. I ges i will fynd owt toomawro.

Thats th storee uf my lif...

This is Laura Bryna. She's a singer. She was at a party Monday night that I was at!

Hello, Country Bumpkin. How's the Frost Out on the CMA Awards After Party?

Nashville, TN - Well, it's offical. I live in an alternate reality. Now, I have long claimed to have the best worst luck or the worst best luck of any person I know. I am the only person I know that ever had two flat tires in a span of six minutes, but I am also the only person I know who was published in a national magazine on his first attempt ever to be published in a magazine. My life has been a constant see-saw battle with the best/worst thing.

For example, several months ago I had catastrophic $600 clutch failure in my pickup truck. The catch? I was coming down the hill less than a quarter of a mile from my house at the end of a 182 mile trip. Now, you tell me. Is that bad good luck or good bad luck?

Monday only solidified this best/worst thing. Let me begin by saying I don't have a lot of money. I have never had a lot of money. If I did, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I would hold it and giggle and then probably wallpaper my house with it. Anyway, several weeks ago I befriended a neighbor down the street here named Pepper who said she worked on famed Music Row in Nashville. This is cool. I love music. I love people. I love music people. Pepper is cool. She is from Australia which automatically makes you cool but Pepper is like...extra cool. Australia cool plus some. Anyway, quite out of the blue late last week Pepper informed me I was "on the list" for a party Monday night.

But this wasn't just any party. This was a party of Equity Music Group and Big Machine Records, and it was going to happen IN THE GAYLORD ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, IN DOWNTOWN NASHVILLE, AFTER THE CMA AWARDS!!!!!

Uh, yeah. So Jonathan, my roommate (he was on the list, too) and I went all out. I bought some new clothes and suddenly quite suddenly, we found ourselves at a back entrance on a rainy dark, street in downtown Nashville telling some rather cute girl my name...

and it worked. I couldn't believe it.

We proceeded up an elevator where we met another equally cute girl. From there we entered into an extravagant party room and into something the likes of which I never thought I would see.

Let me digress. Exactly one year ago I was in my uninsulated house in Waring, Texas, shivering my a** off, wishing that I owned a television just that one night because I wanted to watch the CMA Awards and had no where to watch them.

Now, EXACTLY one year later I find myself entering a CMA after party. Life is absolutely insane. Jonathan and I made the rounds around the room doing all the classic party moves. Talk to each others, separate and rendezvous elsewhere in the room. If one us meets somebody, that means an automatic introduction of the other person. Pepper also introduced us to everybody she knew. I have never met a celebrity in my life and Monday night I met the following (and by met I mean shook hands with):

1. Clint Black
2. Two-fourths of the band Little Big Town (they performed on the CMA's Monday night)
3. Taylor Swift (Her song "Tim McGraw" is climbing the country charts as we speak)
4. Laura Bryna (Equity Records newest artist..first single due out in January)

The list of stars I have crossed paths with but not officially met inlcude:

1. Alan Jackson (I said "excuse me" to him in Starbucks.)
2. Mark Wills (I said "excuse me" to him at the party Monday night. )
3. The little midget from Big and Rich's music videos. (I said "excuse me" to him in the elevator.)

All this being said, I told Jonathan I don't think I could be any further from the small town that I grew up in than I was last Monday night. There were big, sweeping search lights, camera crews, limos, red carpets, and a long list of stars everywhere you turned. I never imagined, in a million years, I would even end up in such a place. What makes it all the more amazing is that I left Waring exactly three weeks ago Monday night.

Wow.

Jonathan and I are already making plans for next year (hoping we get invited back:) They include a limo to the event, not a cab, and actual female dates. We were proud of how well we did with little advanced warning. Next time, Nashville needs to look at because we will know what to expect!!!

The funniest part? The best/worst luck of it all? I managed to pull off this little affair completely broke!

That's the story of my life...