Here is a snapshot of the team from the JY Herd Steakhouse in Junction, Texas, carrying my birthday cake out to our table. I told the fam not to go overboard this year but they always do! Even R'hamed (in the funny hat) lended a helping hand.  

Writer Shares Birthday with 16,438,356 Other People, Still Manages to Feel Significant

Waring, TX - On Sunday, February 19, I celebrated 24 years upon this Earth. As my good friend Sarah worded it, I am now "halfway between high school and thirty." I celebrated with my dad and two sisters at the J Y Herd Steakhouse in Junction, Texas. (Meeting place.)

I was disheartened halfway through the celebration when an eight year old came in to celebrate her birthday as well.

Her family outdid mine with a gaudy, tastelessly ornamented table setting of girly colored trinkets and shiny things. My family provided me with a peanut butter pie. The little girl's family did not, although she did have a smorgasboard of things smathered with icing.

I wanted to arrogantly point out that my birthday was a multiple of her birthday (three times no less) but decided against it.

I would like to thank the good folks of the JY Herd Steakhouse for their hospitality despite the icy, cold weather. Our waitress, Arlene, even went to the extra mile by putting out the salad bar thirty minutes early just for my entourage. You don't find that kind of service in the big city.

As I have observed before, 6 billion people call this world home and there are only 365 days in the year, so its a safe bet to say that we all share our birthdays with roughly 16.4 million other people. Luckily, most of them are in China so we will never meet them. We will only wear the shoes or clothes they made.

Anyway, I am planning on living to 104 years of age so I am 23 percent of the way there. I am going to have to do all I've done three more times. Only then I can die.

In case you were wondering, I very conventiently stumbled across a list of The Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Turning Twenty Four:

10. Look at a clock face and say: "Hey! The number of hours in a day and the years of my life are numerically equivalent!"

9. Buy a case of beer and drink one for each year of your life.

8. Sue the hit television series "24" because they infringed on your trademark.

7. Streak down mainstreet of your hometown because you are officially "old enough to know better but still too young to care."

6. Call your insurance company and tell them you are one year out from the 25 year old discount and are really looking forward to it...jerks.

5. Do a swan dive into the cake.

4. Two words: fog machine.

3. Be thankful because nobody likes you when you're 23.

2. Tell your employer the best part about turning 24 is "being able to finally play the Big People Game."

And the Number One way to celebrate turning 24 is...

1. Voting in your sixth election!

That's the story of my life...

This is me shortly after being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002. I think the power and sheer awesome feeling of that moment is easily seen in the emotional expression on my face. As I recall, I broke down crying mere moments after this photo was snapped.  

Blogger Battles Sloth, Edit/Copies/Pastes Archived Writings

Waring, TX - Okay. So I don't feel like thinking this morning. I don't have to because my 24th birthday is tomorrow. Instead, I have resorted to tracking down things I wrote a little over three years ago that were published in the Angelo State Rampage. This particular column won several awards including a first prize for humor from the Texas Intercollegiate Press Association. It was a crowning achievement. It also snagged a Pulitzer Prize and the Nobel Prize for Peace. (I have the trophy sitting on my mantle as we speak.)



And He'll Have Pun, Pun, Pun... 'Till the Editor Takes his Keyboard Away
Winston A. Hall
October 23, 2002

Numerous people say it would be Harvard me to cram a ridiculous amount of puns into one column about college life. They are perfectly okay in thinking this but, UC I disagree. I strive to Rice above the rest in this regard.

College is basically comprised of four stages: making friends, expanding your knowledge, broadening your horizons and eventually graduation. (Graduation is perhaps the most important stage of college.) College, as strange as this may sound, may even help you decide what you want to do in life.

Sometimes, people miss out simply because they aren't willing to beer down and try challenging classes. Usually they just wine about how tough school seems. Amazingly, these classes are often the most rewarding.

For example, many people don't take photography because they think it will be too hard or time consuming. Give it a try! I shutter at the thought of students who think negatively about photography just because they've never been exposed to its depth and rewards. But most people who have taken photography find it as a useful hobby applicable to every aspect of life. Undoubtedly, photography professors would be willing to help you develop a similar point of view.

Similarly, some people think anatomy is a waist of time. But this is not the case. Anatomy arms you with the tools to succeed in fields related to the human body. Butt, despite this truth, people continue to avoid the class. If you plan to be a nurse or doctor, anatomy is only the first leg of the race. Tackling anatomy early will put you head and shoulders above the rest. And, in case you were eyeing a degree without anatomy, forget it. This will only set you back. We know making the grade can be hairy, but once you're out in the career field, you will be better off. So don't be ass-inine.

Just take the class.

Of course (this is a pun too), let's not forget history. Actually, let's do. I have already past this class.

Equally as important as the previous three subjects is math. Math does nothing but add to the well-roundedness we all strive for in college. Additionally, knowledge of math will open multiple avenues for increased financial dividends. But more important reasons can be defined for taking math. The common denominator in all people is that the capability to do math is a must. Otherwise, in a world that revolves around numbers, you won't be able to function.

Estoy escribiendo. You need to know another language. What this translates into is taking a foreign language class while in college.

Another class you should look into is music. ASU offers a number of music classes that go Bach to the bass-ics, teaching you everything you need to know about music. It is important to note, however, that many of the classes are reserved for those majoring in music, somewhat of a minor detail, but important nonetheless. Citing this, it is crucial that you refrain from signing up for every class. This would only cause treble. However, introductory classes are available for people who just want to learn. Perhaps this is the key to appreciating music-the willingness to learn.

And choir! If you haven't taken choir, let me voice my opinion. You will be better off for doing it.

If you are willing to canvas the school for enriching programs, you will find art. Art is something you definitely want to pencil into your schedule. Art has been appreciated for thousands of years, a pattern easily traced through history. Some people attend class not having an inkling as to what they will study, only to end up falling in love with the class. Why art is so important, to the non-artist, is sketchy. But those who have taken the class will agree: art is the perfect model for engaging classes at ASU.

And lastly, the classes that invoke perhaps more thought than any other classes around: science. The only reason I truly wanted to go to science class as a freshman was because there was a beautiful woman in my class. I guess I am like every other guy in this regard. I just really wanted to meter.

But seriously, science is the crown Joule of all the subjects. Most of us are inclined to sidestep astronomy or physics, but the reality of it is that you will learn more about the universe and yourself in these classes than anywhere else. ASU's science professors offer a solid curriculum and their interaction and availability is a force to be reckoned with.

"Watt next?" you ask....

Just some words of advice from a famous author: "Let us love nobly, and live, and add again years and years unto years." Remember, this is easily Donne.

That's about all. By now, you should consider yourself a pundit. Count the number of puns in this column and submit your guess to the Ram Page. Please do not include the puns contained in the title. Excessiveness of this nature would just be punning the joke into the ground. (For those of you who aren't gagging by now, the title of our newspaper is actually a pun as well.) Whoever has the closest number will win something.

That's the story of my life...

A Website For the Ages

Quick note: Some of your were asking me about R'hamed's Olympic clay shooting hopes. He has a new website that outlines his Olympic desires as well as his life story (which is amazing) and what he will have to do to make the 2030 Olympics. If you visit his website, be sure and leave some feedback and tell him you heard about his website here at The Whimsical World.

Here is the site: http://www.ljbc.net/home.php.

Thanks!

My Libyan nationalist friend R'hamed sent me this gem yesterday. This is R'hamed and his brethren celebrating after R'hamed nailed 99 out of a 100 sporting clays at a clay shooting course in his hometown of Isrhkstmlkieytykistan. Way to go R'hamed!!

This is our delivery boy Pyong Kim delivering the first load of chickens to The Chicken Cooperative. According to Pyong, due to some bird flu red tape, he had a heck of a time getting out of Asia. But we overcame that obstacle, now let's sell some birds! 

Agricultural Conglomerate Set to Begin Trade, Investors Growing Giddy

Waring, TX - Yesterday was a momentous day here in the Texas Hill Country. Prompted by the somewhat mild weather, the good folks of Waring set about knocking out chores that have remained buried under mounds of winter melancholy for the past several months. One of those tasks for me was the construction of a small structure in the northeast quadrant of my yard.

The structure's purpose and mission in this world is simple and clear: it will be my chicken coop.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Can Winston handle the agricultural and social responsibilities of owning chickens? The answer is a resounding, without-a-doubt, shout-it-from-the-mountaintops: I think so.

First, I am giving the chicken operation of mine a name. Any good business has a great name. After spending several hours locked in the bathroom pouring over ideas, I came up with a name sure to spread waves of consumer confidence throughout the international poultry market.

I am calling my chicken operation "The Chicken Cooperative,"or "The Chicken Co-op" for short.

Here's how it works. My good friend Carol Patton (who lives two houses down) was blessed with a bulging bevy of extra chickens after a masked rooster infiltrated her henhouse and impregnated a smattering of hens. Due to the excess number of hens, Carol is willingly parting with five of them, with which I will begin my poultry empire.

These are the names I have decided on for my first five chickens: Foghorn, Leghorn, Tyson, The Colonel, and Nugget. Most poultry operations don't name their chickens specifically, but I believe due to our small size and the importance of team building, I will give mine names. It promotes growth and teamwork among the chickens.

My only job is to make sure they roost safely at night in the new coop and provide them with adequate food, water, and health benefits. In return, they make eggs and eat all the bugs in my yard here at 5 Front Street.

The final equipment should all be in place by this afternoon and Good Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, The Chicken Co-op should be a functioning business entity by tomorrow. This project will operate in parallel with my sheep operation which I am laying the groundwork for as we speak. I will elaborate more on this in the future but it pertains to a yard that is half an acre and a certain someone who does not want to mow that big a yard every two weeks come spring.

If you would like more information on "The Chicken Co-op" you can find us under the NASDAQ listing "ckncp." We begin trading publicly as of 3 p.m. Tuesday. All of us here are excited about this one, even the chickens. Look for more soon from this exciting new endeavor!

That's the story of my life...

Local Man Lights Wood Stove, Feet Remain Toasty

Waring, TX - At the very moment I write this, I am seated next to a crackling fire in my wood stove, my sock covered feet warmed on the bottom. A warm cup of coffee sits next to my chair and my belly is full from a wonderful meal of grilled chicken. I have just responded to my new friend "youareanidiot" who has surprisingly turned into an intellectual confidant of sorts. The kids are tucked in bed..oh wait I don't have any kids. Where was I? Oh, yes. And perhaps most importantly, I now have wireless internet.

Of course this is not what you are thinking. Things are never as they seem in Waring. Several weeks ago, I awoke to the sounds of banging and clanging across the street behind the home of my good friend M.E. Montgomery. I've mentioned him before here at the Whimsical World. He is a legend by any standard. If "odd" comes from left field, M.E. is in the parking lot prying window stickers off someone else's car. He is a very rare breed.

My curiousity drew me across the street where I found four grown men (who I'd never seen) wearing tool belts and holding all sorts of power tools. They pointed toward M.E. who was hunched over a laptop holding a screwdriver. Our conversation went something like this:

Winston: M.E. What in the world's going on over here?
M.E.: I'm starting a wireless internet company.
Winston: You mean you purchased a router and will pay for services from an internet provider?
M.E. : No, I'm starting a wireless internet company so I can have wireless internet.

Here' s how it works:

1.) M.E. purchased a bandwidth. I have no idea what that means or why its important but that's what he told me.

2.) A signal comes from Helotes, Texas. Apparently, that's where the internet starts.

3.) It shoots a signal to Seven Mile Mountain, not from Waring down the River Valley.

4.) The tower at Seven Mile Mountain in turn shoots a signal to M.E.'s house (the dilapidating train depot) to a crude tower he erected in his backyard several weeks ago (with the help of the strange men I'd never seen.)

5.) His crude tower translates that signal into a wireless signal which comes across the street into my house.

The beauty of this project right now is that it is still in the test phase therefore I am not having to pay for this service...yet. The better part, and surprising part, is that the signal is almost as fast as DSL if not faster. Its so fast the computer knows what I want to click on before I do.

So, I have relegated myself to a relaxing evening of sitting by the fire and surfing the world through a portal of wireless possibility while playing cyber ping pong with my good friend "youareanidiot." Here's to it all: the wine, the money, and the good times.

That's the story of my life...

Ridiculous Joke Affects Blogger's Social Status

Short on time...enough methinks for one joke:

q: What is brown and sitting on a piano bench?

a: Beethoven's last movement.

Yeah! I love that joke.
That's the story of my life...

Strategically Planted Car Bomb Ends Democratic Revolution in Middle East

Fallujah, Iraq - A strategically placed car bomb exploded in Fallujah yesterday bringing a dramatic end to the rise of democracy in the war torn region. The bomb, which caused minor injuries to several nearby, exploded in front of an Iraqi market.

According to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, insurgents detonated the bomb sending a clear message to the United States.

"The terrorists win. We give up. We thought there was no way but its obvious now that they mean business. They've gone to blowing up Volvos. We never thought they would resort to that."

President Bush spoke from the Rose Garden on Friday morning and announced his Roadmap to Retreat.

"It has been my policy since 9/11 to face the new realities of the 21st Century with a quiet unyielding resolve and to realize that we face a new world with new challenges. But I did not expect them to blow up Volvos...holy cow. Citing this new unprecedented wave of attacks, I am withdrawing all our forces immediately. We are going to leave the Middle East to fall into ruin. After all, they won't bother us all the way over here on the other side of the ocean will they? Oh, wait. They already did," he said.

Response to the attack was almost immediate throughout the Middle East. One Iraqi store owner named Hamad I'Slamad seemed fearful.

"When the bomb went off I thought 'oh no' they did it. They blew up a Volvo. The Americans will leave for sure now," he said.

Effects of the bomb were far reaching. Blossoming democracies throughout the Middle East were truncated by the strategic bombing, sending shockwaves of fear and uncertainty throughout the region.

"I always said, 'if [the insurgents] blew up enough cars the democratic revolution would end. We always knew that something as small as one car bomb could permenantly squash the internal desire for freedom that dwells within all people," I'Slamad said.

Bush added that his Administration might attempt to alter the destiny of the world through the spread of democracy "again next year."

'Blond Versus Blonde,' Online Gun Battle Rages On

Waring, TX - Another post on my blog poured in over the weekend from my good friend "youareanidiot," who paid a huge compliment to me by actually returning to my page to read my blog yet again. I am beginning to think he/she and Randy Wolff might be the only people reading it.

So, if you missed the first round "youareanidiot" politely reminded me I misspelled "blond/blonde." I did not include an "e" in my spelling. My argument is that both are acceptable. "Youareanidiot" pointed out that as I posted on my own page, that "blond" is masculine and "blonde" is feminine. My perception of that section of the definition is that is was the etymology of that word..in other words the origin of the spelling but not necessarily the current use.

Apparently, I made a boo-boo.

According to my etymology dictionary blond/blonde is derived from the Latin word "blandus" which means "yellow." It continues: "The word was reintroduced into Engish in the 17th Century from French, and was until recently still felt as French, hence blonde for females."

Damn the French. So, as you can see, it appears "youareanidiot" has won this battle. I am not above admitting my etymological errors. My only hope is that "youareanidiot" might change his/her name to "youdidntdoyourresearch."

Despite what you might be thinking, I like the style of "youareanidiot." He/she writes with a perfect combination of wit/cynicism/sarcasm/fact. I am offering him/her a full time staff writing position here at The Whimsical World of Wisdom. I cannot pay him/her just yet or offer him/her benefits of any kind, but I can promise that at least three people will read what she/he writes every time he/she submits a post.

And so it is: I misspelled "blonde" and "youareanidiot" misspelled "misspelled." War(...uh!) what is it good for? Absolutely nooooothing.

That's the story of my life...