Whimsical World Gets Eight Ska-Jillionth Visitor, Blogspot Servers Rendered Helpless

Waring, TX - I would like to send a thank you out to my good friend Jamie Wilson who pointed out to me (without using the word "moron" specifically) that you can get counters to place on the bottom of your blog rather easily. So, if you are really bored scroll down to the bottom of the page. I was allowed to start with a number so I started with 300. That was last Monday. Today, one week later I am proud to announce that more than 150 of you have visited The Whimsical World.

Yay!

So, if your cruel father or step-mother ever told you you don't count, this is evidence that directly disputes that claim. Please keep clicking and I'll keep counting.

That's the story of my life...

Goat, Cat, Dogs form Loose Political Affiliation, Owner Shunned

Waring, TX - Sometimes in life a guy just feels left out. Today was one of those instances. I found some free time around lunch and drove into the nearby town of Boerne because Boerne has a Super Wal-Mart and that qualifies it as a "metropolis." Of course, when you live in a town whose population hovers around 50 people, the prairie dog village down the road also qualifies as a metropolis.

Anyway, as you may have read, I have a goat who for the past month has displayed unacceptable levels of spasticity. Every time I have come within 10 yards of the goat it sprints in the opposite direction and then kind of hops on all fours. The goat has also endangered my very life (in the laundry shed) as well as my hapless neighbors who had to help apprehend the goat several weeks back. The cantankerous goat has unleashed hell on the sleepy little town of Waring and, to a moderate extent, I regret opening this "box" on the town.

Back to today. I returned from Wal-Mart bags in hand only to find this very same goat standing on the front porch of my house. Surrounding the goat were, in no particular order, Hart the Puppy, Girl the Dog, and Aldo Leopold the Cat. All of them were standing there..just hanging out..together.

Dammit.

The dogs were standing next to the goat paying it no mind whatsoever. Like it wasn't even there!! The goat was completely oblivous to the idea of a "food chain" and stood next to the dogs bleating excessively as if they weren't even there!! The cat, aside from all that nonsense, was meandering in and out of the feet of all of the animals. It was one big happy family.

The look on the animals' faces was curious. They looked at me as if I had busted up some little gathering, political in nature I'm sure. The dogs ran toward me, the goat retreated around the house and the cat started bathing itself. Quick thinking. Of course cats are smooth like that.

Good riddance. It appears I am out of the loop even in my own house. I am combating this with the implementation of a Jane Goodall-style approach to the taming of this goat that with due time and diligence will have me living in the goat's fragile social network without it even knowing a human is present. Details to follow.

That's the story of my life...

Reuters- Pirates posing for a photo. This is the band of Caribbean pirates that allegedly attacked Disneyworld Saturday morning. The band's leader Captain Maldonado (second row, third from left) is now on the FBI's most wanted list.  

Disneyworld Stormed by Caribbean Pirates, Victim Notes Irony Before Passing

Orlando, Florida -(AP) In an unexpected wave of violence late Saturday, pirates believed to be Caribbean in origin stormed the front gates of Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom killing 38 people and leaving a wake of destruction in their path.

Disney CEO Robert Iger spoke to media early Sunday morning at a press conference held in an underground bunker deep within the catacombed passages under Disneyworld.

"At approximately 9:32 Eastern Standard Time Saturday morning a band of vagrant pirates stormed the front gates of Magic Kingdom bringing with them a hell-wrathed fury of hate and violence. And, I might add, they did not pay to get in."

According to offical police reports, the majority of victims from the pirate attack were with a Japanese tour company. Officials from the tour company gave a formal statment in Japanese late yesterday but no one could understand what they were saying.

Jean Herald, 34, from Saginaw Michigan, hid behind a trashcan as the pirates cut a destructive swath through the storied theme park. "It was just awful. I saw this one guy and he was like 'hey aren't those Caribbean pirates? That's ironic' But he said that right before one of them lopped his head off," she said. "Then they tried to get into the castle but that things is an impenetrable fortress. I think they just gave up and looted that place that sells the $12 hamburgers."

All told, the pirates did more than $500 in damage, turning over trashcans, lighting bathrooms on fire and inflicting damage on the themepark's trademark polyester character suits.

Greg Forrester, 25, from Baton Rouge, Lousiana, witnessed the murder of an unidentified Disneyworld employee wearing the Goofy costume.

"Actually, now that I think about it, that was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And yet, it was entertaining, but you know...in that weird, morbid sort of way," he said.

Iger went on to say that Disney would take a serious look into its pirate defenses. "I guess this really changes the meaning of anti-piracy," Iger quipped as the grieving family members watched from the front row of the press conference. "Get it? Anti-piracy?" he said.

Iger continued by noting some anecdotal wisdom from his grandfather. "It's like my grandpa always said: 'It's all fun and games here at Disney until the rampaging pirates show up'" Iger said.

Disney officials said the unfortunate incident would not delay nor cease the making of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 which is due for release in 2007.

Cornered Goat Acts Passive Then Turns Aggressive, Pyschologists Struggle to Label Disorder

Waring, TX - I have uncovered an unfortunate pattern here at The Funny Farm. It seems, in no uncertain terms, that every animal I have introduced into our Q.N.E. (Quasi-Natural Environment) has one characteristic in common:

THEY ARE ALL SPASTIC.

I'm not sure how this happened but it has become in a word frustrating. Avid readers of The Whimsical World might recall how I tried to start a chicken program that collapsed in ruins thanks in part to the antics of several spastic chickens.

I thought I was past the spastic phase of my livestock program when the chickens all dispersed to "other side of the road." Boy was I wrong. As many of you have been reading, I now own a spastic goat. It has already escaped twice and gone over to M.E. "The South Side Slayer" Montgomery's junkyard. Both times it took extreme measures to capture it.

Several days ago I awoke early and went to my laundry shed out back to get some clothes done early. I paid no mind to the fact that the door of the shed was open slightly. This was not a horror movie. I had no reason to stare aghast at the cracked door only to have someone in the audience yell "don't go in there!"

So I went in.

I went in only to discover Willamina the Goat standing near the washer. Before I could put "goat" and "run away" together in my head, Willamina gathered a head of steam and bolted straight for the door. The only problem at this point was that I was standing in the door. Four feet from the door Williamina launched herself with the agility and grace of a Bulgarian trapeze artist and met me at eye level, crashing into my left shoulder and the light switch. She crashed to the ground and then bolted out past my feet leaving me standing in my pajamas in the cold gray light of dawn wondering:

"What the #%@^ just happened?"

Yesterday I sat in my living room for a good three hours trying to figure out why The Funny Farm has to be so spastic. I am quite vexed at this point. Were I a business-minded man of vision, I would have written The Funny Farm articles of incorporation to includ a lengthy examination of why limits of spasticity in a corporation are extremely important.

Some of you who work in offices will agree wholeheartedly. In the meantime, take my word of warning. If you own a spastic goat like I do, enter your laundry room with caution.

That's the story of my life...

Bored Secretary Googles Google, Computer in Oklahoma Explodes

Denver, CO - (AP) A secretary at a benefit planning company in Denver, Colorado, googled Google last Thursdsay resulting in a catastrophic meltdown of Google's services for more than 24 hours and a minor explosion of a computer in Pawhuska, Oklahoma. According to a Google spokesperson, the billion-dollar company was not prepared for such a search because "we never thought someone would actually do that."

Sarah McAby, 23, the secretary who googled Google, was questioned by police for more than six hours trying to determine her motives.

"At this point, we have determined [Ms. McAby's] actions were not terrorist related," John Hendrix said. Hendrix is the Assistant-in-Chief of the Provinicial Technology Counter-terrorism Department at the Pentagon. "It appears her actions were naive...and, I might add, quite stupid."

In a formal statement released by Ms. McAby's lawyer, she apologized for the trouble she caused Google.

"My poor judgement in googling Google cost many people large sums of money and, as I was informed, blew up someone's private computer in Oklahoma, of which I am terribly regretful. I hope to put this incident behind me and plan to continue using Google for all my search engine needs."

Officials at Google attributed the technological disaster to a flawed algorithm. Company spokersperson Janet Myers spoke at a press conference on Friday.

"It appears Ms. McAby's actions overloaded one of our servers and pitted two rival algorithms against each other, which deteriorated the entire circuit board into a full-fleged civil war of sorts. The result was the meltdown of a Mitsubishi mainframe and the unfortunate explosion of the private computer in Pawhuska, which has sense been paid for by Google," Myers said.

When asked about future possibilites of some numbskull googling Google, Ms. Myers added that "proper precautions have been taken against such actions in the future."

The owner of the computer in Oklahoma could not be reached for comment but authorities did release information saying no one was hurt in the incident because the owner was not in the home at the time.

That's the story of my life...

Forecasters Play Odds, Call For 100 Percent Chance of Weather

Waring, TX- Further proof that here in Waring, the grass is a little greener, the sky is a little bluer, and the barometric pressure reading consistently stays near 29.88 inches.

http://www.weather.com/weather/local/78074?lswe=78074&lwsa=WeatherLocalUndeclared&from=whatwhere

Local Man Spots Bigfoot, Notes Creature Had 'Abnormally Large Hands'

Waring, TX - I am proud to announce a new campaign here at The Whimsical World involving merchandise. I am guessing there just might be a modicum of desire for some Whimsical World memorabilia so the staffers here at the Whimsical World have battened down the hatches preparing for the onslaught of requests after this posting.

Please bear in mind that Christmas is just around the corner. (Which, really, is always the case if you're operating unde the radical assumption that time moves forward and not backward...)

Here's what I have to offer:

~An authentic Waring, Texas, postcard complete with a handwritten note from yours truly and an authentic Waring, Texas, postmark. ($3.99)

~Your choice of The Whimsical World of Winston t-shirts and baseball t's which can include your choice of Whimsical World headlines or the phrase "That's the story of my life." (t's $13.99, baseball t's $16.99)

~Standard "Waring, Texas" t-shirt. ($13.99)

Just make your checks payable to Winston Hall c/o:

The Whimsical World of Winston
P.O. Box 52
Waring, TX
78074

(If ordering a shirt, please note shirt size, style, and desired headline.)

We hope to expand the lineup in the future. In the meantime, keep enjoying The Whimsical World!!

This is a glimpse of the Waring Train Depot, which M.E. is in the process of converting into a dilapidated train depot. This nice grassy area you see here is now covered with rusty car carcasses, a school bus shell, and a smattering of unidentifiable metal trinkets.  

This is the intrepid M.E. Montgomery talking to his rooster "Goofy."  

Cast of 'Waring' Signs on for Third Season, Salaries Top $1 Million

Editor's Note: This story begins a month-or-two-long series on the cast of characters that make up the town of Waring. And considering the town only has 52 people, 10 of which might be worth really examining, this shouldn't take long. For our first installment, I have chosen to examine one M.E. Montgomery.

Waring, TX - I once heard someone use the term "onion" to describe an interesting person. You know, the kind of person that has layer after layer, each new layer revealing something more and more interesting about that person. If this is the case, and onion is the word of choice, M.E. Montgomery could easily be the largest onion I've ever met. (That last sentence would be a great sentence to quote out of context just for fun.)

I have written about M.E. Montgomery here before here at The Whimsical World:
(http://worldofwinston.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_worldofwinston_archive.html).

Many of you know him as "The South Side Slayer" because of the time he mercilessly slaughtered my rooster The Colonel. Past assassinations notwithstanding, M.E. has shown me an abundance of hospitality since my arrival in this small town. In fact, he was the second person I met here after Ed Patton.

To sum up M.E. in one blog posting is an impossibility, unless of course blogger.com has a spare server in a closet somewhere that they aren't using. As I wrote before, if "odd/interesting" people are in "left field," M.E. Montgomery is in the parking lot pealing window stickers off other people's cars. First of all, he in an intellectual of the highest sorts. This is not something you would guess right off the bat. It might be the exhorbitant amount of turkeys and chickens running amok around his house or it could be the fact that he has no running water. But he is a smart man. He and I often sit around learning new words together. (He carries a pad of paper and pen and writes down any new words he comes across.)

Ripples of disagreement run through Waring on just how smart M.E. is. Let me put is this way: a Google search of M.E. reveals a published paper he co-authored once upon a time:

"Myer, G. A. and M. E. Montgomery. 1987. Relationships
between leaf age and the food quality of cottonwood
foliage for the gypsy moth, Lymantria dispar. Oecologia
72: 527Ð532."

I am not making this stuff up.

You will also find M.E. Montgomerey in one of the 1980's editions of the Guiness Book of World Records for a sandcastle he built with his friend Amazing Walter (who has appeared on Oprah). Of course, if I had more time, I would delve off into an expository examination of the decade he spent as a professional sandcastle-builder. Maybe next time.

As if M.E.'s many past escapades weren't enough fodder for a blog goldmine, he recently undertook the development of a wireless internet company that hinges around a crude parabolic satellite dish sticking up behind the Waring Train Depot that M.E. calls home. Believe it or not, the tower works-- and it works well enough that I used it for a time to publish The Whimsical World. However, the fledgling company has moved into a new phase and left its four month "development phase" behind (i.e. no more free internet. I got a call from some guy from Houston wanting to sign me up for $50 a month.)

The overall idea here is that I am no longer surprised by anything that M.E. Montgomery does. From where I sit across the street, I witness car after car stopping by the old depot to talk to M.E. about God-only- knows-what. He once told me that he has never printed a business card because "I don't need to find people...they find me."

This would be a great point to reiterate that this man does not have running water. But honestly, if you have a wireless internet company in your back yard, who needs running water?! I mean, honestly.

Many people here in Waring do not like the fact that M.E.'s yard has become a junkyard. (Please see "Funny Farm Escapee Remains Holed Up in Compound, Standoff Drags Into Sixth Day") I personally cannot complain. He has helped me on more than one occasion with various things including small-engine repair, goat-proofing my yard, and an exhaustive search for the word "bunting" which I couldn't remember for the life of me. We even once invented a synonym for "synonym" and a word that decribes a book of antonyms, a word that was so long and useless I have since forgotten it.

Adding to the tension, M.E. currently boycotts the General Store because Ed sold him a phone card that had an expiration date. He even went so far as to call the Better Business Bureau to complain and for a time, it was the talk of the town. That boycott is till pending.

Also, M.E. Montgomery was the first person in the recorded history of Waring to actually have the post master request that he not receive mail here. Details are sketchy but it had something to do with a falling out with Post Master Dottie Anders (see the upcoming profile on her.)

Other things you need to know about him (which I do not have time to examine) include:

~He has a plan for bringing about the demise of the entire Democratic Party before the 2008 Presidential Election. He claims it will only take one phone call

~He names his chickens adjectives so that their names are easier to remember

~He once got kicked in the face by a deer

~He once helped construct the bathroom in the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

~He claims to be able to track down anything in the world in three phone calls or less

~He is listed in the phone book under “Wheebie” the name of his deceased cat, a masochistic creature who derived pleasure from being whalloped with a fly swatter

Even with a degree in journalism, I find words useless in trying to describe the noble M.E. Montgomery. He is everything I do and don't want to become in the future, if that makes any sense whatsoever. If you are in or near the San Antonio area, I promise it would be a worth a trip out to The Whimsical World Headquarters just meet this man. My address is 5 Front Street so I guess that would make his address...6 Front Street. Maybe. Anyway, I promise you will not be disappointed.

That's the story of my life...

Waring Standoff Ends Unexpectedly, Casualties Minimal

Waring, TX - (AP) The week long Waring standoff which captured the attention of the world the past seven days ended abruptly in a post-dawn raid Wednesday evening which claimed the life of three special forces agents. According to law enforcement officials on the scene at M.E. Montgomerey's junkyard, agents swept in in a rehearsed swat maneuver and apprehended the fugitive goat who managed to kill three Navy S.E.A.L.S before being apprehended by authorities.

ATF agent John Tucker coordinated the raid from the standoff headquarters located near the scene.

"Well, originally we were going to move in in a formation systematically eliminating escape routes of the goat before descending on the goat's suspected location and ending this standoff," he said. "What ended up happening is that we just chased the goat around and around for what felt like frickin' forever and then the goat was pretty much winded so M.E. 'The South Side Slayer' Montgomery just grabbed his back leg at which point [the goat] was returned to a secure facility at The Funny Farm. We never actually thought she could kill someone, much less someone as highly trained as those Navy S.E.A.L.S. were."

High-level government officials who spoke in anonymity suspected that M.E. "The South Side Slayer" Montgomerey cooperated with officials to apprehend the goat because of "prior dealings" with law enforcement personnel and that Mr. Montgomerey "had good motive to do so."

In an unprecedented move by the ATF, The Funny Farm CEO Winston A. Hall participated in the post-dawn raid.

"We just felt like if Willamina [the goat] saw I was trying to assist, it would bring an heir of normalcy to her and that maybe she would just surrender peacefully," Hall said.

Nearby neighbors who witnessed the raid were surprised by its seeming unorganization. Vera Thompson, 83, who lives three doors down witnessed the entire siege from near her mailbox.

"I'm not sure what was going on," she said. "I just saw these guys running around like idiots and one of 'em had a rope or something. And one guy had a fishing net on a rod and I just thought that was ridiculous. There was lots of yelling and pointing and screaming. Next thing you know there's ambulances and helicopters and armed assault vehicles. It all happened so fast. And then the goat kind of stopped because she was tired and the tall, goofy guy grabbed her. That's about it."

Acoording to official reports, the goat killed the three men near a hollowed-out school bus. According to eyewitnesses, the goat attacked the Navy S.E.A.L.S. "as if it were something she had done a thousand times."

Another eyewitness also spoke of the tragic incident:

"This is not your normal goat. She outsmarted us for a time, took three of our own, and then made us the laughing stock of the world. And plus its really hot out here."

When asked about his participation in the raid, Montgomery did not mince words.

"This raid was a debacle from start to finish. But , honestly, I don't know what the feds were thinking. That goat definitely had the tactical advantage from the get-go. I don't see how they ever expected it to go smoothly," he said. "I'm just glad this is over."

President Bush gave no comment on the raid but did order an investigation into the ATF's procedure in apprehending the goat.

"Ironically, someone's head is gonna roll over this catastrophe," Tucker said, "but it probably won't be the goats."

Child Disappointed to Find Mothball Not Actual Ball of Moths

Waring, TX - Actually, there is no story here. I was just looking for an excuse to write the above headline, which I find hilarious. I thought of it at approximately 2:34 CST and have been waiting partiently so I could get home and post it. The idea was prompted today while driving down the road. I drove through a prodigious swarm/flock/gaggle of moths that muddied my windshield. That of course led to thoughts of how big a mothball you would need to get rid of so many moths, which led to my thought of what a giant mothball would look like, which led to the thought that a mothball made of actual moths would be much funnier than an actual mothball. Wow.

That's the story of my life...

Feedback Pours In From Across Globe, Definition of 'Globe' Changed by Rogue Blogger

Waring, TX - I am pleased to announce that responses have been pouring in per my recent request to hear from you (the readers). Staffers of The Whimsical World have been working around the clock to sort through the piles of mail that reached to the ceiling here at The Whimsical World Mail Room.

Here are some of the glowing praises we received. (* denotes that locations have been changed to make The Whimsical World seem bigger than it actually is.)

"After the Bible, EJ Lamb, and Ken Gire, you are hanging right in there."
Randy Wolff
Beirut, Lebanon*

"I've been reading your blog quite regularly now and have told as many people as I can about it. You can get a site tracker through blogger, I think. Anyway, I really enjoy reading about all the whimsy. A t-shirt would be awesome."

Jamie Wilson
Perth, Australia*

"I read a few entries and quickly forwarded it to everyone in my email list. Cause I think you are hilarious. And so does my mom. With all of the free advertising I did, can I get free merchandise?"

Lindsay King
Rostov, Russia*


"Just wanted you to know that I read your blogspot stories."

Le Mom
Paris, France*

"I got your link from my friend Jamie, who I guess worked with you in Colorado once upon a time. I'm enjoying it."

Anton Seim
Pascagoula, Mississippi*

"Keep up the blogging... you're a fantastic story-teller... plus it gives me more opportunities to procrastinate."

Martha Belden
Kyoto, Japan*

"Sometimes here in [Atlanta, Georgia*], the capital of The United States of America, I get a little lonely, and nothing remedies that faster than a little dose of The Whimsical World of Winston. It's like a steaming bowl of chicken soup on a cold winters' day from the kitchen at The White House which is where I work with President George W. Bush. My favorite past time is to print off copies of The Whimsical World and read them while basking in the sun on the shores of the Potomac River next to Reagan International Airport here in [Atlanta, Georgia*]. Keep up the great work!"

Condoleezza Rice
Atlanta, Georgia*

"You still make me laugh. I love it. I went to your blog and read a few....very funny, and whimsical :)"

Judah Leggett
Boston, Massachusetts*

"This is my suggestion: all of the entries into the blog, beginning with day one, need to be collected into a book. Sort of a garrison keiller type book. It makes for very entertaining reading and since you kind of build on past stories, it lends itself to a book. I would buy it and I would suggest it to all my friends."

Stephen Stinson
Tornonto, Ontario, Canada*

Thanks to all those who took the time to respond. Merchandise is coming soon! And please keep enjoying The Whimsical World.

That's the story of my life...

Funny Farm Escapee Remains Holed Up in Compound, Standoff Drags Into Sixth Day

Waring, TX - (AP) A funny farm escapee remained holed up in a fortified compound as of press time late Tuesday while federal investigators formulate a plan to end the week-long standoff. According to government officials, the escapee is a free-range spanish goat who has been incarcerated at The Funny Farm since late June. After disappearing last Thursday through a hole in the perimeter fence, the goat retreated into a junkyard across the street at the residence of M.E. "The South Side Slayer" Montgomerey who had an encounter with law enforcement officers last spring when he allegedly murdered a chicken belonging to the now defunct Chicken Co-op.

According to ATF agent John Tucker, the goat retreated to the junkyard because of its proximity to The Funny Farm and it was there that she was cornered by federal agents.

"It appears at this point that the fugitive has barricaded herself in [Mr. Montgomerey's] back yard because it was simply the nearest place to go. We do not believe at this point that the goat has any affiliation with Mr. Montgomerey," Tucker said.

Other sources, speaking in anonymity, said that the goat had been witnessed visiting with Mr. Montgomerey in recent weeks.

Efforts to apprehend the goat have all failed mainly due to what officials believe to be an elaborate tunnel system which the goat has constructed over the past week.

"It's kind of rough out there," Tucker said at a press conference late Tuesday afternoon. "One second that goat is under a school bus and the next thing you know she's on top of an '89 Buick Le Sabre. Luckily, we have noted some patterns in her movements--mostly that she seems to have a crush on a '52 Chevy pickup near the northwest quadrant of the compound."

While agents monitor the goats movement from a operations center nearby, officers at the compound are keeping a close eye on the goats movements. The latest efforts of law enforcement officers to compel the goat to surrender include tear gas and music blaring into the compound.

"The music doesn't seem to affect her at all," Tucker said. "I'm not even sure that she knows what music is."

The Funny Farm CEO Winston Hall released a statement Thursday morning condemning the actions of the escapee.

"The Funny Farm has a staunch, unblemished record of cooperation with the local community as well as officials on the highest government level. The actions of Willamina the goat bring shame and utter humiliation to our organization and we bear full responsibilty for her actions. These events will most certainly prompt a review of our Perimeter Fence Terms and Conditions" Hall said.

Speaking from The Rose Garden, President Bush emphasized the importance of ending the standoff peacefully but reiterated his strong stance on the overall issue.

"We seek to find a peaceful solution to [the problem]. We understand from some reports that there might be little baby goats inside and our first concern is their safety. But make no mistake, we will make no distinction between goats and the neighbors that harbor them. This goat will remember this week as the week her reckoning began."

President Bush's tough talk was mirrored on Capitol Hill where lawmakers scurried to create legislation that would help alleviate the potential for similar standoffs.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) spoke at a Washington luncheon on Monday. "It's obvious the evil-doer in this standoff is not the goat. It's President Bush."

For now, agents are communicating with the goat through telephone communications into the compound. Although, admittedly, the talks have not gone far because the goat uses "mostly bleats and baaaaas" to state her demands.

"We are through playing games with this goat," Tucker said as he loosened his tie. "She is making us all look like fools the way we run around chasing after her. We look like complete idiots. And besides its really hot."

That's the story of my life...

If it Ain't Broke(back) Don't Fix It, Journalist Eyes Publication With Suspicion

Waring, TX- Okay, people. Brace yourselves for this one. Again, let me reiterate, nothing here at The Whimsical World is made up. These events are as factual as I can make them. Today's snippet is no exception. Like I said, brace yourselves. This one takes the cake.

In 2002, I wrote an article for the Angelo State Rampage entitled "Flip Flop: Need I Say More?" I wrote the article after I noticed how many college students wear flip-flops. The article was satiric and very tongue-in-cheek. The funny thing about published articles nowadays is that once they find their way onto the Internet, the author has no idea where said articles will end up. Believe me when I say you have no idea where they will end up.

In 2003, a magazine publisher in Boston read my flip-flop article and liked it. She read the article on about.com, an informational website. I had to email the about.com folks and explain to the them my article was not entirely true. (Made up.) I thought when I explained that the flip-flop was invented by George and Ira Flop that it would be a dead giveaway. Apparently it wasn't. Anyway, because of about.com finding my article, I ended up writing an article for Inventors Digest Magazine. All this from something published in a Division II state school newspaper in West Texas. Kind of makes you wonder who's paying attention. The flip-flop article eventually ended up on collegehumor.com as well as a smattering of other websites less notable. I guess once something is "out there" its circulation becomes exponential in its growth.

Now, to the part that takes the cake. Every so often I google myself. (The doctor said this was normal.) I do so because, as a writer, its fun to see where else I may have popped up. Yesterday, my fragile literary world came crashing down around me. I stumbled across yet another website who had published my flip-flop article (what copyright?). As I perused the blog I was amused by the fact that it was an entire blog dedicated to flip-flops. As I kept reading I got an uneasy feeling. Something wasn't right. No...

Something was dreadfully wrong...

An examination of the blog revealed its purpose was "broken" if you will. I think what really gave it away was the large, well-built man wearing nothing but flip-fops. Yeah. You heard me right. Nothing except a pair of flip flops. I cannot even give you the name of the blog. It just would not be appropriate. I can tell you that the title did involve the words "flip flop" and "erotic."

Now, I and all the staffers here at The Whimiscal World are not into gay-bashing. In fact, our company slogan reads "If you can't kill someone with a blunt object, kill 'em with kindness!" Citing this mantra, I would like to note that the graphic design of the flip-flop blog was exceptional and the erotic pictures of gay men throughout the blog were quite informative and contributed to the flow of my article. In fact, had I known how well homo-erotic photos worked with that article I would have suggested to my editors at The Rampage something of a similar nature when it was originally published in 2002. (I'm sure the university deans would have loved that.) To make matters worse, the authors of the blog even took the time to comment in the form of an editorial note which reads as follows:

"We should not forget our beloved flips and what they mean to us. Here is a whimsical piece-part fiction part proclamation, written by a true flip-flopper,Winston Hall..."

True flip-flopper? My good friend Jonathan conjectured that perhaps "flip-flopper" carried with it a very sinister undertone and totally different meaning. Damn the dichotomous possibilities of the english language!! For the record, I do wear flip-flops....but not like that. If you would like to read the article that started all this here is the link:

http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/blflipflops.htm?terms=flip+flop+Gershwin

All this having been said I have learned a very important lesson from this event: Big Brother is watching. So are Santa Claus, John Denver and a passel of homo-erotic bloggers. For now, I can only watch and wait and see where else this flip-flop article turns up. It begs some inspection as to how much thought we put into what we publish. I cringe at the thought of how many literary homo-enthusiasts are critiquing my work as we speak...

That's the story of my life...

Top Ten Reasons Its Time to Mow Your Yard

Waring, TX - I need to mow my yard bad because my new goat has not had time to tackle the rather formidable assignment it has been given. In case you were wondering, I very conventiently stumbled across the top ten ways to know its time to mow your yard. Drum roll please...

10. Foreign war veterans avoid your yard because of its striking resemblance to the jungles of southeast Asia.

9. You have an infestation of howler monkeys but cannot pinpoint their exact location.

8. Your pets reinact scenes from Homeward Bound in the backyard.

7. A bedraggled man, starving and dehydrated crawls up to the house and explains that he is the survivor of a plane crash whose scattered, charred remains are located "somewhere near the bird feeder."

6. You create an adventurous jungle canopy tour and sell tickets for $20.

5. The city does not tell you to keep your yard mowed because they do not realize there's a house there.

4. You cannot kill any wildlife in your yard because it is designated as a National Forest.

3. Rather than mow, you simply use controlled burns.

2. You're tired of hosting expeditions from National Geographic Explorer.

And the number one way to tell its time to mow your yard...

1. The primitive civilization living behind your garage is starting to pick up a little English.

That's the story of my life...

This is an elaborate recreation of Willamina standing on my couch. EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a professional stunt goat. Do not let your goat try this at home.  

Goat Blatantly Ignores Canons of Acceptable Behavior, Stands on Couch

Waring, TX - I would like to preface this story by reminding you (the readers) that I do not make up anything you read here at The Whimsical World. I simply am not that creative. All of these stories are completely true. I say that because you will be tempted to believe otherwise after reading the following account of something that happened to me just today.

As many of you have read, The Funny Farm, Inc., now consists of two dogs, a cat, and a goat. Understandably, a certain element of harmony must exist for all of these various species to live together without killing each other (not unlike the famed Playboy Mansion). The residents of The Funny Farm have been impressive in their diligence over the last week as they have adapted to both a new cat named Aldo Leopold and goat named Willamina.

Earlier this very evening I made my evening rounds around the farm (all .4 acres of it) to make sure all were present and accounted for. If any of you have followed the Whimsical World, you know about my disastrous turn at raising chickens. (Four of them ran away and one was murdered in cold blood in my driveway.) We are keen on irony here at The Whimsical World and it did not go unnoticed when the chickens of one M.E. ("The West Side Slayer") started laying their eggs in my laundry shed, of all places, at the conclusion of the miserable Co-op affair.

I was left, after all that, with an empty chicken coop, which is where I found Willamina the Goat resting comfortably at day's end. Again, irony rears its ugly head. Truly, this soap opera has more twists than a cheap British murder mystery. (It's a good thing I don't have a butler.)

Anyway...where was I? Ah, yes. Willamina, having been found in the coop, bolted out the door because of her still ancy nature around dogs. I did not hold this against her citing that dogs and goats have been mortal enemies for thousands of years before domestication. (I think.) Willamina bolted around toward the front of the house and disappeared out of sight. It was at this moment I remembered one very critical element I had forgotten about before departing on my rounds.

I had left the front door open. Wide open.

I made it around the corner just in time to see the hind end of Willamina disappear into the house. I froze and began going over scenarios in my head. This goat, much like Round Two of the Chicken Cooperative, was spastic and would blindly bowl something over before going around it. Not wanting to corner the goat (bad idea) I climbed in my bedroom window and flanked the goat near the bathroom. At this point she pinballed helter skelter into my office which contained a couch...which she stood on.

Are you getting all this? Lord, I hope so. Let me recap: a goat is standing on my couch in my house. This is the point at which you start to question your sanity and you wonder how in the world you ended up at this point. It is the same thought a skydiver has when their parachute won't open. Bear in mind the couch out in my office was free, given by a neighbor. In fact, all my couches (3) were free, so the fact that the goat was standing on the couch didn't worry me. What worried me was the $400 laptop on the nearby desk, the $1000 keyboard just down the hall, and the countless number of breakable things lining the walls of the office. I snuck around to a backdoor where I managed to spook the goat, at which point it did two laps around the kitchen table, one lap around my pot bellied stove and then out the front door, right by the other members of The Funny Farm who were watching, to my surprise, with extreme apathy.

The fallout from this event cannot be fully determined just yet. Willamina has now seen the inside of my home and like Aldo Leopold, might decide that she likes it. Which by my estimation, were I to acquiesce, would send me with a one way ticket to the real Funny Farm.

That's the story of my life...

Aldo Leopold the Cat (or a likeness thereof) 

The Real Aldo Leopold 

Feline Joins Funny Farm Lineup, Ratings Skyrocket

Waring, Tx - (AP) Several months ago I decided I needed a cat. This of course comes with the careful observation that cats, when dealt with properly, can be terribly low-maintenance creatures and given a big enough pile of food, can subsist for weeks with minimal human intervention. I made a phone call to Kelton Fiedler, my neighbor here in Waring who I simply call The-Man-Who-Can-Find-Anything. (He once located an obscure bolt for a '44 Willy's Jeep in less than 16 hours.) Noting his success in the past I got on the horn to Kelton and made known my desire for a good, strong-boned cat.

Last Friday he came through. This was most assuredly a non-hurry request. Falling in line with my theory that if you stay in one place long enough the entire world will pass by at least once, Kelton had an orange tabby show up at his house.

I stopped by Kelton's house (on the north side of town near the river) late in the evening and after an impromptu gun-cleaning/maintenance lesson, I loaded up the new feline and prepared to head across town. As is usual, our conversation covered a vast gamut of material, the last of which were the writings of Aldo Leopold. Now, if you don't know the name Aldo Leopold, you will after you finish reading this. Kelton had been in my house for some unknown reason the other day while I was gone and he duly noted that my bathroom reading of choice was A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold. I highly encourage you to read this. It is a collection of essays Leopold wrote from his farm in Wisconsin in the 1930's. Leopold's claim to fame is that he is the Father of Game Management and Wildlife Ecology. He invented game managment which in my mind is no small feat.

According to www.naturenet.com, Leopold "was a renowned scientist and scholar, exceptional teacher, philosopher, and gifted writer.It is for his book, A Sand County Almanac, that Leopold is best known by millions of people around the globe. The Almanac, often acclaimed as the century's literary landmark in conservation, melds exceptional poetic prose with keen observations of the natural world. The Almanac reflects an evolution of a lifetime of love, observation, and thought. It led to a philosophy that has guided many to discovering what it means to live in harmony with the land and with one another."

Wow. Oddly enough, the pondering prose of a man who lived so long ago is almost the perfect train of thought here in the small Hill Country Hamlet of Waring, and terribly poetic. Albeit crude, the philosophies of Mr. Leopold fit the story of this small town to perfection. It was while standing under the star-lit bath of night there on the north side of Waring it occurred to me that the feline in my arms would be the perfect namesake for the impetus behind the wildlife management and preservation in America...Mr. Leopold. So, I told Kelton that from then on the cat would be known as Aldo Leopold. (Also, somewhat intersting to note for ardent Whimsical World followers, is that Mr. Leopold once conducted some of his laboratory research in--of all things--a chicken coop. Oooooh the irony.)

I might add that like the real Aldo Leopold, Aldo Leopold (the cat) will be chiefly in charge of the mouse management in and around The Funny Farm. I hope he understands the expectations that come with bearing such a prestigous name.

Aldo Leopold (the cat) had adapted well to his new surroundings, befriending even the new puppy I acquired recently named Hart (australian shepherd/collie mix.) The two romp around the yard friskally playing with each other as well as Willamina the Spanish Goat.

Aldo Leopold (the cat) has even taken a liking to sunbathing on my bed, so much so that it supports my theory that "feline" is a contraction for the phrase "feeling fine." And I'm sure the young Mr. Leopold (the cat) would agree with me.

Aldo Leopold's (the cat) most entertaining episode yet is how he followed me, Hart, and my matriarchal dog Girl all the way to the Guadalupe River where he dutifully sat on a tree stump while the rest of us frolicked in the river. After the swimming session, we returned home the four of us like a scene from Homeward Bound. It was laughable while it was happening, which with my stories rarely happens.

And thus The Funny Farm, Inc., has ballooned in size to include a dog named Girl, a puppy named Hart, a goat named Willamina, and a cat named Aldo Leopold.

That's the story of my life...

I Thought I was in Love Once, Turns Out My Foot was Asleep

Waring, TX - Okeedokee, people. In a concerted effort to gain a grasp of the size of the Whimsical World of Winston, I am putting out a call to inform. I have received several phone calls from people I don't know as well as comments from people I don't know which really excites me. (Gary I am going to call you back I promise.) I am beginning to believe the Whimsical World may be bigger than I originally surmised.

So, if you are reading this right now (since you are most likely on a computer) please drop me an email at winstonian24@hotmail.com and let me know that you are reading what I write. I do not have a web page tracker and have absolutely no way of knowing how many people are reading The Whimsical World. I am curious to know out of morbid curiousity. And, in case you were wondering who needs to send me an email, YOU DO. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

If I get enough responses, I just might offer up some t-shirts (my neighbor Ed owns a T-shirt making machine) and a hode podge of other Whimsical World paraphernalia. (For the record, I had to spell "paraphernalia" in a spelling contest once. Good gosh I hope spelled it correctly.)

Again, let's cover everything thus far. You, (insert your name here) need to email me (Winston) so I can gain a grasp of how much The Whimsical World has ballooned in size since its inception in January.

Got it? Good. I look forward to the flood of emails!

That's the story of my life...

Picnic Table Woes Result in Happy Dog, Social Mishap

Waring, Texas - Well, it appears my dog is more strategic than I thought. I always believed there was more to my dog than appeared on the surface. I mean after all, she has been known to participate in her fair share of mischief (usually unbeknownst to me.) Last Wednesday night was no exception.

As usual, I made a political appearance at Steaknite here in Waring (steaknite.com). For those of you who don't know, Steaknite is the social highlight of the week here. Everyone for miles around shows up to enjoy live music and, of course, eat steak.

My dog figured out very shortly after I moved to Waring that large slabs of meat were being cooked in great numbers right around the corner from my house, and began, quite systematically to "beg" at the steaknite picnic tables. Sometimes she would make the trek across town even when I didn't.

Back to last Wednesday. My dog has mastered looking pitiful, as if maybe she was some poor roving mongrel who hasn't eaten in weeks and is only bloated in the stomach area because of her body's reaction to parasitic worms of some kind. NOT TRUE. In fact, my dog is very well fed, she just somehow manages to look like she isn't.

ANYWAY, it was while bearing this "pitiful" look that my dog passed a certain table Wednesday night. The only problem is two people were sitting at the table, ON ONE SIDE. If you've ever sat at a picnic table, you understand there is a necessary bakance needed sometimes to keep the table evenly keeled, if you will.

As my dog passed by bearing the aforementioned "pitiful" look, the rotund woman seated at the table leaned back to tempt my dog with a tasty morsel of steak. When she did, the critical mass/point/equilibrium of no return was crossed and the picnic table in all its glory tipped over backward.

Sometimes two people can at the very least appear graceful when they fall. This was not one of those situations. The two portly people tumbled backward in a mess of legs, plates, steak, napkins, picnic tables, socks, back braces, forks, and knives. The food, needless to say, ended up on the ground where my dog happily devoured it all.

I helped the people up and the Don Strange catering company happily replaced their steaks, but the event did not leave me wondering if perchance my pooch had actually calculated the exact weight/motion needed to tip the scales. It appeared, upon close examination, to be very strategic.

It reminded me of another incident involving my good friend Jonathan Avitia. I worked with him one winter at a ranch in Estes Park, Colorado. He very laughably prophesied my dog's death, which I might add, she over heard him say. A mere ten minutes later, when Jonathan "accidentally" slipped on ice and fell down a set of stairs, she was waiting patiently (and quite conveniently) and the bottom of the stairs where she proceeded to lick the inside of his mouth with her tongue.

Like I said...very strategic.

Truly, I have to watch how much info I divulge in this story. Somehow, some way, she has probably found a way to read this blog. After Wednesday night, I wouldn't doubt it.

That's the story of my life...

Freelance Writer Notes Dubious First

Waring, TX - As a part time freelance writer, I have one day a week in which to get most of my work done, that being Mondays. So,I find myself sitting at home "working." As is the tendency, I often migrate to the fridge for a snack or drink. It is a very magnetic thing that fridge. (I know now why the magnets on the front have so much trouble getting away.)

Anyway, one often finds himself partaking in the first thing he spies upon opening the fridge and I did just that this afternoon and came to the horrific realization that I am now having two things at once that I never thought I would ever ever ever have at the same time:

Peanut butter and beer.

Now, before you judge me, please know that the curious amalgamation of tastes is rather good, if of course you consider the origins of both products. Beer from barley and wheat and peanut butter from peanuts, all of which are "Mahemigew"(a Mi'kmaq word meaning "from the earth"). Citing these agricultural origins, I would encourage you to wipe that disconsolate look from your face. By this criteria, one could also drink beer while eating corn nuts, Wheat Thins, Wheaties, raisin bran, oatmeal, bread pudding, and French toast. I have not personally tried these but the day is young and the beer is cold.

That's the story of my life...

Hall Launches New Endeavor, Sends Shockwaves Through World Cabrito Market

Waring, TX - Winston Hall is not one to give up. The world renown adventurist and globetrotter who faced public humilitaion after the catastrophic collapse of his Fortune 500 company The Chicken Cooperative last spring has garnered enough financial support to once again man the riggers and gear up for what appears to be another Fortune 500 run. Hall, the former CEO of The Chicken Cooperative announced in a press conference held at the General Store in Waring, Texas, (http://www.lonestarwebs.com/prettiest4.html) the creation of a new corporation, one that this time intends to tap into the burgeoning goat market of the southwestern United States.

"My yard has a lot of grass in it," Hall said, "so I have obtained a goat named Willamina which will now hopefully eat all that grass."

According to an official release, Hall obtained the goat when a coworker from his water mitigation company spotted the horned ungulate romping down the right of way on Farm to Market 289 near the town of Comfort. Hall's co-worker tied the goat to a tree which Hall later hog tied and relocated to his home in Waring.

"Of course, I do not embark on such endeavors lightly," Hall said, "so I am proud to announce the creation of The Funny Farm, Inc., a broad-based, vision-minded, globally-reaching, grass-roots, whatever-other-hyphenated-adjective-phrases-you-can-think-of-to-sound-good company. We will start with one slightly undernourished goat, and with that...we will build an empire."

Wall Street and other financial juggernauts did not take Hall's announcement lightly. Warren Buffet, CEO of Berkshire-Hathaway, spoke about Hall's announcement at his own press conference which was a direct result of Hall's press conference.

"I know last week I announced intentions to distribute my mass wealth to philanthropic organizations. Well, I changed my mind. With Hall's astounding bounce back from the brink of financial ruin, none of our fortunes are safe. I am going to continue hoarding mine until further notice."

According to a The Funny Farm spokesman, the goat, which Hall named Willamina at the suggestion of his good friend and investor Tanis M. Cogdell, is resting comfortably in its temporary environment, a fenced in section of The Funny Farm which once served as a garden.

Since its arrival three days ago, curious people crowd the fence along The Funny Farm's southern perimeter trying to sneak a glimpse of the new family member.

Sarah Jenkins, an eight year old school student from Milwaukee came to see the new goat after hearing about it on CNN.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she said.

"We here at The Funny Farm strive to be ubiquitous," Hall admitted at his press conference. "The only reason being is I have used the word 'ubiquitous' incorrectly for years and don't intend to stop now."

That's the story of my life...

This is my latest acquisition here at The Funny Farm, a spanish goat named Willamina. Actually, I do not own a digital camera so this is a cheap recreation of a spanish goat named Willamina. Editor's note: THIS IS NOT A REAL GOAT